Accidents Happen
by BasketweaverJesser
Summary: Two teenagers run away from home and then suddenly find themselves zapped through time and abord Red Dwarf. In desperate search for a plot. Please review.
1. A LongWinded AN and Prologue

A long-winded Author's Note

One thing I love more than anything else is time. Contrary to popular belief it is not linear, though we still try to apply linear measurement to it. We are able to go backwards through it with our memories and forwards through our imagination. I will find all imaginative ways I can to use time and Red Dwarf. I believe that they are the perfect counterparts.

For those who give a crap, when I came up with this story, I actually started doodling in a notepad in comic book form. I was gonna post this on my own website, but I don't have the money to post a website and me drawings really suck. All I can do is stick figures.

This is still a work in progress, so I need a lot of input. If you've got it, please review. My life depends on whether or not I can give a good read to people.

My thanks go out to Stan Lee, without him I would never have come up with the perfect beginning.

I would also like to thank Grant and Naylor for coming up with Dave Lister, the Cat, Holy, Kryten, and of course the most hilarious Arnold Rimmer. These are their characters, not mine (albeit I wish they were).

Al references to Rush Valley County and the people/things within it are completely of my creation. Any duplication and I will be forced to bite your face off.

On that note I give you: Accidents Happen

Enjoy,

Sena Kathryn Schneider

Prologue

McClellan Proving Grounds

Rush County, Utah August 23, 2002

It had been nearly ten years since U.S. President Bill Clinton had closed down the once-busy government facility. When the last G.I.s had left the grounds, the U.S. government turned the deed over to Rush Valley City. Most of the land was turned into an industrial park, but there were still a few white-elephant buildings, the ones that were too dilapidated and too full of asbestos to tear down or refurbish. Those were the ones that were left alone for time to decay them.

One of the aforementioned buildings was a storage facility. Most of the old bombs that once occupied it have been removed and shipped to the nearby Dugway Proving Grounds facility to be incinerated in a properly-controlled environment, but there were still some that were left there for the purpose of which they served was somehow lost and/or forgotten. The U.S. government is as well organised as any other, for it is run by human beings and therefore forty-times as fallible. That's what happens when you have too many cooks in the ruddy kitchen.

When you have so-and-so in charge of making the notes, such-and-such in charge of filing the notes and Joe-Bloke-the-common-folk in charge of posting those notes, some info is bound to get lost. It isn't any wonder as to why several gadgets that were tested were forgotten about in this once-useful facility. Many machines that could be lethal were left behind just for the sole reason that no-one could figure out how to turn the blasted things on. That is where they will remain, in a derelict grave for some poor, unsuspecting git - who may be desperate for shelter - to stumble across.


	2. ThreeMillion Years From Earth

Three Million Years from Earth, Three Million Years Later

"Hol, do you know where my good shirt is?" Dave Lister asked the ship's computer while he rummaged through a pile of dirty socks.

"It's half-passed-one, Dave," Holly said as her image appeared on the monitor screen.

David groaned as he proceeded to tear his bunk apart and then Rimmer's. "Hol, I'm looking for my London Jets T-shirt. The one that has only two curry stains."

"That T-shirt?"

"Yes. That T-shirt," Lister said exasperatedly as he looked at the monitor.

"The one with only two curry stains on it?"

"Yes, Hol. That one."

"I 'aven't seen it."

Dave let out another exasperated groan as he shook his head. When he finally regained his composure he said, "Would you please use your sensors to help me find it, then?"

"What was it you were looking for again?"

"Aaaaack!" David growled as he started digging through a pile of thilthy clothing in his locker. Holy took it as her cue to disappear.

The unwashed space-bum shook his head exasperatedly as he continued to look for his favourite shirt. It had been five years since he had emerged from stasis to find that Red Dwarf's crew had not survived. It was in that time that Holy had been seemingly getting worse. Under any normal circumstances the ship's computer would have probably been scrapped and replaced with a much newer and better one, but the circumstances that he and his barely-tolerable mates were under weren't—by any means—normal.

When Lister reached the bottom of the pile he finally found his prised belonging and put it on. 'It looks to be another blissful day in paradise,' he thought sarcastically.


	3. Rush Valley, Utah

Rush Valley, Utah

C.J. Lamont was a sophomore at Rush Valley High-School. With the exception of needing a decent haircut, he appeared to be the poster-child of what your all-American fifteen-year-old boy should be. He was an honour-student, he was captain of the football team up until his knee-injury, he had a job at the local hamburger joint and he was a total babe-magnet. His reddish-blonde hair, big liquid-brown eyes, high intellect and over-powering charisma were all the right chemical balance for popularity incarnate. His sixteen-year-old sister—on the other hand—was a total contradiction.

"Christian James Lamont!" Katy Jo yelled at her brother while she stormed into the living-room, shaking her butane-powered curling wand. "You used my curling iron, you homo!"

"Did not," C.J. denied hotly as he turned away from his computer-game and ran his fingers through his freshly-straightened shoulder-length hair. He wasn't lying, really. He just switched the power cell from hers to his so he could get rid of his embarrassingly unmanly curls.

"Then why is the juice gone from it?" Katy insisted as she waved the empty gas cartridge in front of his face. "I remember full well that I didn't leave it running when I used it last. I'm s'pose to meet Tiffany and Merilu in twenty minutes and I have hair that only Hermione Granger's mother would love."

C.J. looked at his older sister's long, bushy, bright-green-streaked bleach-blonde locks and suggested, "Why don't you just get out the clothing iron and set it to permanent press?"

Katy growled. "Bitch," she quickly threw at her younger sibling.

"Future-Welfare-Mom," he returned.

Kate gave him an I'm-gonna-bite-your-head-off-chew-it-up-and-spit-it-down-your-neck glare while groping for a good burn. When the words failed to come she slugged him in the arm. "Get a trim, you long-haired fag," she said under her breath as she left the room.

C.J. rubbed at the sore spot that his sister had given him, wishing that things could be the way they once were. It had been a year since their mother had died in that car wreck while taking his older sister to violin lessons. In that short amount of time he had watched his sister morph from "Katy Jo Lamont, Honour Student" into "Katy's Evil Twin." She was once his best friend, but from the time of the accident that started to change. They can scarcely stand to be in the same room together these days.

It didn't help matters when he finally realised his true identity six months ago. His sister was the only one he told and Katy—before the accident—would have been understanding.

It goes without saying that it didn't work out that way. From the time of C.J.'s confession, whenever there was no-one else around (thank God for small favours) she'd seize the opportunity to throw as many homophobic slurs as she could at him. That was the deciphering factor for him to stay quiet about it, for to be openly gay in a backwater Mormon town was to label yourself a punching-bag who is free to be terrorised. Without his sister's support, he may as well just put a gun in his mouth and have done with it.

Katy came back into the room about fifteen minutes later. Having switched the gas cartridges back, her hair was far less frizzy. "Bye, Tinkerbell," she said sardonically as she grabbed her handbag and headed for the front door.

C.J. glanced away from his game and asked, "Got your cell-phone?" (They weren't allowed to leave the house without a means of communication so that their father could check upon them at any given time.)

With an annoyed expression on her face she pulled it out of her bag for him to see and then she put it back.

"What time you planning to be back?" he asked her. This was something he always asked out of general concern. It didn't matter how horrid she had become, she was still—pierced tongue and all—his sister and therefore it was still his obligation to care.

"What? You wanna come with?" she replied. Her brother was hoping that this was an actual invite and not just Katy being her normal snotty self of late, but before he had a chance to respond she quickly added, "Oh, sorry, Sweetie. No faggots allowed." With that she walked out the door and slammed it behind her.

The boy flinched as the door crashed against its frame. A look of sorrow enshrouded him as he painstakingly fought back tears. He didn't need his sister's constant reminders that he was not what the world around him considered to be right. He needed the understanding that she had once been able to provide for him, the support that would help him sort things out for himself. How he wished with all his heart that this broken family could somehow become whole again.

C.J. Lamont closed his game as he heard his sister start her car and then drive off. His concentration had been broken severely and it had become pointless to continue. With a heavy heart he clicked on the desktop file marked 'Family Album.' Then he opened a picture of his family standing at the Albert Dock alongside the River Mersey in his mother's hometown. He gazed at it quite mournfully for back when his mother was still alive, everything was normal. Back then _he_ was normal.


	4. At it Again

At it Again

One of few pleasures on Red Dwarf is going to the cinema. The only time that Dave Lister can pretend that he has a normal life is when in the theatre. He can kick back and escape the grim reality of being the only known human to exist here. The only hindrance is that he is never entirely alone and that renders any hope of getting away to near uselessness.

"God, Lister, you're a disgrace to humanity," the holographic simulation of his dead bunkmate groaned. "Popcorn should go _inside_ your mouth last I checked."

Lister's only response was to ignore Arnold Rimmer's remark as he stuffed a large handful of popcorn in his mouth, allowing for half of it to fall right through his bunkmate's lap.

The mechanoid, Kryten, dawned a dustpan and foxtail broom out of seemingly nowhere and started to sweep up the mess as Rimmer stood up in disgust and sat down in the seat next to him.

"You did that deliberately you gimboid!" the hologram complained.

"Did what?" Lister said through a mouthful, completely unaware that he had done anything.

"You dropped popcorn on me."

"Rimmer it was an accident, I swear to you, man."

"I can imagine if it was one piece being an accident, but nearly all of it landed on me. I don't think a single kernel was even eaten."

Dave—having had enough of Rimmer... just being... Rimmer!—took an immense handful from his bucket of popcorn and threw it through his dead bunkmate's image. Rimmer gained an expression that suggested that something very putrid-smelling was right underneath his nose as he jumped straight back up.

"THAT'S IT, SQUIRE! THAT'S THE FINAL STRAW THAT BROKE THE DORMITORY, THAT IS!" Rimmer yelled. "IF I HAD A BODY I WOULD WRING YOUR SLOBBY LITTLE NECK!"

The Cat took that moment to yell through his megaphone, "BE QUIET! I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE FILM!"

Rimmer shot him a you'll-get-yours-too look, totally exasperated, seemingly for the sole sake of being exasperated.

"Rimmer, you smeghead!" Lister said, as disgusted as one could possibly be with any individual, one would surmise. "We came here to have a good time and you're ruinin' it for everyone. Just sit down and watch the film already, for crying-out-loud.

As emotionally sore as one can be, Arnold shook his head cheerlessly as he reclaimed his non-popcorn-covered seat.


	5. Too Late to Right Wrongs

Too Late to Right Wrongs

Back in Rush Valley, Utah, Christian Roy Lamont came home from his usual grind of law-enforcement mayhem. He had hoped that he could spend time with what was left of his broken family. Once again his hopes were dashed because, as usual, C.J. was buried in his computer game and Katy Jo was not there. It seemed as though he lost his entirefamily in that accident.

When the sheriff's deputy lost his beloved wife it nearly killed him. He was the only deputy sheriff on duty that night and he had to report to the scene of the accident, himself. With salt rubbed deeply into his wound he dove into his job, ignoring all else around him. When he finally came out of his depressive stupor four months later, everything was irreparably wrecked.

The deputy sheriff knew that it was his own stupid fault that there was no hope. Although C.J. was still there for moral support, he had mostly erected a proverbial wall around himself and hid behind the computer or in their basement, working with the weight-machine. He would only come out behind his wall when prodded. And Katy… she was always out getting drunk and lord-knows-what-else every night. Chris had no need to hide through work anymore. His new project was in trying to put what few remaining pieces there were of his family back together.

With C.J. buried in his computer game, Chris sat down on the end of the couch and picked up the phone. He had made it a point that he wanted everyone home the by the time he was before everyone was off to school, but Katy always makes a point of doing exactly the opposite of what he asked for. Once again it fell upon him, dear-old-Dad, to enforce whatever laws he had laid down at breakfast. Longing for the time when he didn't have to twist any arms to spend quality time with his family, he dialled his daughter's cell number.

"Hallo?" Katy Jo answered sounding higher than the moon.

Chris swallowed the dryness that had formed in his throat while trying to calm himself. "Katy, why aren't you home?" he said as evenly as he could. "I don't think I told you to stay out all night."

There was silence on the other end of the line. "Katy Jo, I don't want to send—"

"Yeah, yeah. I get it, already," she cut her father off scornfully. "I'll come home." With that, she hung up.

Chris Lamont placed the phone in its cradle as he shook his head dismally. He buried his freckled face in his hands while trying to pull himself together. He wanted to spend the night with his kids, but not while either one of them was intoxicated.

C.J. glanced away from his video game to see his father appearing to be on the verge of tears. At least, that's what it looked like. He could only guess that as he had never actually seen his father cry in his entire fifteen years of life. It bothered him to see him like this, nonetheless. The boy moved to alleviate the problem in the only way he knew how. He tried to distract him.

"Is she coming?" he asked.

Chris nervously ran his hands over his neatly-trimmed reddish-blonde hair and then shrugged his shoulders as he looked at his son. "I hope so," he said candidly. "I really don't want her to end up in the tank tonight and you know that that's what the sheriff will do if he has to be the one to find her."

C.J. nodded his understanding while holding back any sign of his own emotions. He thought of the last time his sister was incarcerated for being drunk under age and how she ran away for a whole week afterward. The last thing they needed was yet another stain on the family's good name. "If she doesn't come back in the next hour, do you want me to go after her?" he volunteered.

Chris let out a scoff, brushing him off as his son's maternal nature was a bit peculiar sometimes. "The last thing I need is to add your safety to my worries," he commented while shaking his head. "I want you to stay put and just let me handle it, thanks."

"You're welcome," C.J. replied, not revealing whatever hint of sarcasm there actually was behind it as he returned to shooting aliens.

Chris shook his head as he picked up one of his son's sports magazines and started thumbing through it aimlessly. When he found an interesting article he read to try and keep his mind off of how upset he was. While half-way through it he heard Katy Jo's car swerve up to the house and knock the rubbish bin over at the curb.

C.J. jumped up as quickly as his father did and being closer to the door he got to it even faster. When he reached it he hesitated while he braced himself for yet another flaming row—the normal routine was that when Katy Jo usually came home, she picked a fight with Dad, and then locked herself in her bedchamber. There were rather rare occasions where she deviated from that pattern, but the likelihood of that happening was close to nil—having watched his son take too long, Chris opened the door himself. He was impatient to get the nastiness done with already and yet he couldn't blame C.J. for not opening the door right away. When he did open it, he somewhat wished he hadn't.

Katy Jo looked at him as she staggered onto the porch. "I'm here," she said spitefully as she swayed through the entrance.

Chris Lamont noticed the stench of alcohol when she bumped into him and then headed for the stairs. "Hey!" he called for her attention as he cupped both of his hands on her shoulders from behind to stop her. "You know the drill. We're not finished, yet."

C.J. shook his head dismally as his father led Katy into the kitchen and the nightly ritual began. He stood in the doorway and watched the horror begin to unfold.

"I want you to walk in a straight line for me, please," Chris ordered.

Katy Jo wobbled as she reeled in what only _barely_ resembled a straight path. Then she gave her father an evil look. "Happy now?" she said sardonically.

Chris Lamont shook his head in mild annoyance as he took both her hands and outstretched her arms to full wingspan. Knowing what to do, the young woman closed her eyes and reached for her nose with her right hand. She repeated this action with her left, jabbing herself in the eye in the process. Finding it as funny she laughed.

"If you hadn't been driving this _could_ have been funny," C.J. dismally announced.

Realizing that his son was still in the room Chris looked at him and said, "Go upstairs, C.J. I need to chew-out your sister in private."

"What if there's a knock-down-drag-out?" the lad protested.

_"Just go!"_ he insisted in an annoyed tone.

Unlike Katy Jo, C.J. was not one to out-right disobey his father. He went upstairs and waited right at the top, following his dad's exact words. There he listened with bone-chilling apprehension for the attraction to come.

"Why do you do this to yourself, Katy?" Chris asked when he stopped hearing his son's footfalls. "I'm still paying for your mother's funeral in the emotional sense. I don't like the idea of having to bury you along with her."

"Perhaps you do and you just don't know it yet," Katy Jo said cynically.

Chris shook his head, wishing that putting her in the tank didn't widen the already-growing chasm that they had between them. He knew then just what he had needed to do and he hated it. Although there were no options, he rather dreaded it because it might do far more damage to their relationship than anything else he's done thus far.

"Give me your keys," the deputy sheriff told his daughter as he held out his hand for her to place them in.

Katy just stood there, looking stunned.

"The keys to your car," he reiterated. "Hand them over."

With a moment's hesitation the girl reached into her handbag for her car keys. While giving her father the evil eye she relinquished them.

"I'm calling the DMV office first thing in the morning," Chris Lamont announced. "I refuse to be responsible for you if you're gonna drive under the influence."

Those words were what sobered Katy Jo up in a hurry. "You're revoking parental consent?!" she said in shock.

"I'm glad to see that you're not too drunk to care," he confirmed sombrely, hating even more that he seemed to be right. "I can't allow for you to continue this reckless pattern and I can't—with a good conscience—let you get behind the wheel if you're going to be irresponsible."

"That rots!" Katy Jo protested. "Why don't you just throw me in the goddamned tank and get it over with?"

Chris Lamont shook his head mournfully as he said, "Katy Jo, the situation has gone beyond that. You seem to think incarceration is a joke. I hate doing this, but I can't see an alternative. It's for your own safety, Hon."

"You don't give a flying shit about _my _safety," Katy said calmly as she gave her father the look of death.

"That's not fair, Katy Jo," Chris stated while sounding as injured as he felt by her words. "You and C.J. are the most important things in my life. If I were to lose either one of you I'm sure it would kill me like it almost did when we lost your mother. You are too important for me to not care about your well-being. Now I want you to go upstairs and think long and hard about what has just taken place here. I need you to look at what you're doing to yourself and search for ways to prevent further damage to our already shattered family."

Katy Jo's instant response was to disregard what was said to her and "B"-line straight for the front door. Chris managed to get in front of her and block her en route. "Where do you think you're going?" he asked as calmly as he could. "I told you to go to your room. That doesn't translate to 'Go outside.'"

With a twisting punch Katy Jo nailed her father in the sternum, pushing him out of her way. "Kiss my ass!" she said scornfully as she exited, slamming the door behind her.

As Christian Lamont rubbed his sore ribcage as he looked up and saw his son running down the stairs. "I'm going after her," he explained as he hastily stepped out.

Chris just stared at the door bedazzled as he watched him go.


	6. Oops

Oops!

_"I am the richest man in the world!" _James Stewart's image said on the silver screen. Then the camera shot faded and was replaced by the closing credits. Lister turned his eyes on Kryten.

"What's next on the play list?" he asked.

"Warlords of Atlantis," he said. Then he quickly added, "Please don't hurt me, Sir."

The unwashed one shook his head disdainfully. "You know how much I hate Doug McLure," he stated through a groan.

"You'd rather eat raw vegetables," Kryten said empathetically.

"Why did you program it in, Plastic Percy?" asked the Cat.

"Mister Rimmer made me, Sir. I was merely filling a request."

Lister shot his dead bunkmate a dirty look.

"Did I ever tell you that my great-great-great-great-great-uncle played Captain Daniels in that film?" Rimmer asked.

"Smeg-off!" the unwashed one said as he got out of his chair.

The Cat stood up as well. "I'd rather wear a paisley-print jacket than watch something that any one of your relatives has been in, Brillo-Pad-Head," he announced.

On that note he and Lister left the theatre.

-----

Near the outskirts of Rush Valley, C.J. chased after his sister. Ducking behind mail boxes and what-not whenever she looked in his direction was soon to become a lost option, but he needed to keep going until he could find a place to corner her and try to reason with her. It was starting to look like a hopeless cause as they were now in a part of town where the houses were a half-mile apart from each-other.

Living in this Hick-Ville blows, he thought as he ducked behind a tractor. I don't know if I'll be able to hide next time.

He checked to see if Katy Jo was still looking around. As he saw that she had continued walking again he noticed the lights in the distance. This meant that they were approaching the industrial park. Those light were at the end of a proverbial dark tunnel for C.J. It was his best hope for getting his sibling to turn around and come back home. He fell back a little to insure that he wouldn't be discovered until they reached the former proving grounds.

----

As Dave Lister walked through Red Dwarf's corridors he made a detour via the Officer's Club. The Cat caught sight of the mess hall and abandoned him as he decided that it was time for his fifth meal of the day. Seeing this as a precious moment of solitude—completely Cat-free, Kryten-free and (halleluiah!) Rimmer-free—he decided to take advantage and enjoy himself.

When he approached the bar he jumped over it, grabbed himself a bottled lager from the refrigerator and then popped the cap off. Holding it high above him he tilted his head backward, poured his beverage directly into his mouth, gargled, and then spat it out. "Ah, privacy," he said in an almost melodic tone of serenity. There was no reason to believe that his peace could be broken.

----

Katy Jo Lamont looked behind her as she approached a boarded-up building. She could swear she saw her brother's rust-blonde hair duck behind the brewery, but she couldn't hear any evidence. She took a few steps toward where she saw him and opened her ears…

…nothing…

"God, this is nuts," she said under her breath as she dismissed it as another meth flash-back.

C.J. allowed himself to take in some air as he saw his sister turn around and continue on her course toward the abandoned building. That was bar-none the closest call he had received on this entire trip and it nearly made his heart stop. He was—needles to say—relieved when he saw Katy Jo kick at a loose board in one of the windows. As soon as she entered, this deranged game of "Follow the Leader" would be over.

As Katy kicked the pressboard out of her way she saw it hit what looked like an old copy machine. Thinking that there probably wasn't any electric in this building she found it odd that it had started humming to life. Letting her curiosity get the better of her, she decided to investigate.

She had no idea what was in store for her when she lifted the lid to the scanner. The she became surrounded by a bright yellow-green light. She wanted to back away, but she had become frozen with fear. Suddenly she felt quite dizzy and the room seemed to be fading…

C.J. Lamont climbed through the wind and jumped to the floor landing on all fours. He stood up to see his sister's form become transparent. "Katy?" he called out to her while feeling disoriented as he realized that it wasn't was his sister who was fading, but the entire room as well. In the next moment there was a blinding flash. The nauseating part was over, but the wild ride had just begun.


	7. We're Not in Utah Anymore

We're Not in Utah Anymore

"Intruder alert," Holy announced nonchalantly to Red Dwarf's crew. "We 'ave intruders aboard… They're still aboard." With no immediate response she yelled, "OI! IS ANYBODY LISTENING? I _SAID_ WE 'AVE INTRUDERS ONBOARD 'ERE!"

"Yes, Hol," Dave Lister yelled as he came barrelling down the scaffolding just outside the officers' club. (He was only half-way through his pint and rather annoyed with Holy's poor excuse for a warning.) "Where are they, Hol?"

"They came in through the stasis-leak."

----

C.J. looked around what appeared to be a men's shower room in awe as he heard the warning klaxon blare. "Where the hell are we?' he asked no-one in particular. Then he was pelted by his sister's hand-bag.

"You followed me, you stupid fag!" she yelled at him in annoyance.

He shot her a dirty look as he shook his head and said, "We've just been zapped to Lord-knows-where and you're on me about following you?! You're the one who ran-off. Excuse me for caring enough to want to keep you from trouble."

It was Katy Jo's turn to give a dirty look. "Bitch!" they quickly threw at each other in unison. After shaking their heads in disgust at each other, C.J. tried to put his head back on.

"Look!" he said as calmly as he possibly could with an alarm sounding in the background. "We need to figure-out what-on-Earth happened to us and find-out if we have the slightest possibility of getting back home."

Still upset about being tailed by her gay brother, Katy Jo rolled her eyes back into her head and moved her lips without uttering a sound as he talked.

"Hey!" he said as soon as he started to walk-off. "Quit mocking me and start helping me find a way out of here. We can start by finding-out where we are."


	8. Welcoming Committee

Welcoming Committee

In the drive-room the quartet congregated to develop a game-plan as they had no idea what really was in store for them. Holy had once mistaken one of Lister's unwashed socks for an unknown life-form. She could have just scanned across some other article of clothing that was dropped by Kryten on the way to doing the washing, afterall. They needed to make certain that this was not another false alarm.

"What do the sensors tell us, Kryten?" Rimmer asked the mechanoid while standing behind him and looking over his shoulder.

"The intruders are human," he replied in a bemused tone.

"Human?" Lister repeated with the same amazement that the android had displayed.

"Yes," Kryten affirmed. "Human teenagers according to the psy-scan. A male and a female to be more precise, Sirs."

"Did he just say, 'female?'" the Cat asked while running a hand over a mane of thick, black, elbow-length hair. "How do I look?"

"For crying-out-loud, Cat, this is not a blind date," Rimmer retorted. "We don't know what they're here for. They could be far more advanced than we are afterall. Perhaps they see us as vermin and have come here intent on exterminating us."

Lister rolled his eyes back and shook his head. "Rimmer, it's so like you to be so pessimistic," he groaned. "They could merely just be lost for all we know. Why do you have to turn everything negative?"

Rimmer shot him a dirty look. Before he could say anything, however, Kryten came to Lister's defence.

"They appear to be unarmed," he said pointedly. "I dare say that only minimal arms will be necessary in pursuing them, Sir."

"You see, Rimmer? There isn't a thing to worry about, is there?" Dave said almost gloatingly as he grabbed a bazookoid from the munitions cabinet and then left the drive-room with Kryten and the Cat in tow.

"Speak for yourself, you gerbil-faced maggot," the hologram said as to his bunkmate as he fell in step with the others.

----

"What's in there?" C.J. asked no-one in particular as he and his sister approached yet another doorway.

Katy Jo peered into it as an attempt to humour him. "It's some sort storage area," she said as she returned her gaze on him. "Nothing but shelves and crates."

C.J. looked through the door over his sibling's green-streaked locks. "There are windows in there, at least," he said fervently. "We can see what's outside. That'll help us figure-out where we are."

Katy Jo elbowed her brother in the ribs and then headed for the window. He rubbed at the sore spot as he yelled, "What was that for?"

She glanced back at him. "For being your nancy-ass self," she returned as she continued on her trek across the cargo-bay.

Shaking his head he caught up to her. "Why do I put up with this from you?' he grumbled. "I swear this is the last time I try to keep your punk, psycho-witch-self outta trouble."

Yeah, yeah," she said cynically. "Shut your goddamned hole and let me look already. Before I'm collecting my social security preferably."

C.J. shook his head again as they approached the window. "Honestly…" he began and then trailed-off; as he was distracted by the view he had caught.

Outside the port was a vast sea of stars upon a black background and nothing else. "There's nothing but stars out there!" he said through his teeth in frustration.

"Thank-you, Fransoir B. Faggoty, for your highly-observant commentary," Katy Jo told her brother sardonically. "Now what?"

He shot her a look of resentment. Ordinarily he would've been able to shrug off her out-right meanness, but given their current circumstances her anti-gay slurs were really getting under his skin. "No more comments from the peanut gallery, thanks," he told her sternly.

For a moment he thought that his eyes were playing tricks on him, for a look of genuine remorse enshrouded Katy Jo's face. What he couldn't see from the outside was that his scolding had brought into her perspective just how dire the situation really was.

"I'm sorry," she told him soberly.

This made C.J.'s heart stop. She had actually apologised to him. He would have stood there in his amazed stupor if not for the sound of approaching footsteps.

Katy Jo grabbed the collar of her brother's denim shirt and dragged him behind a crate.

"What're ya doing?!" he responded in a harsh whisper.

"Excuse me for wanting to keep you from trouble," she regurgitated his words back at him. "We're on a ship where we don't belong and if its inhabitants catch us, they'll skin us alive. Do you want that?"

C.J. shook his head as he protested, "If we told them how we got here, they might help us get back home."

"God, you're delusional!" Katy hissed while shaking her head from alcohol-induced paranoia. "You need to get out of Mister Rogers' land of make-believe and start realizing that it's not always a beautiful day in the neighbourhood."—She stopped nagging him long enough to glance over the crate behind her and see four men enter the cargo-hold and then she continued.—"They're armed with what looks like a flame-thrower. Can you say, 'toast?!'"

C.J. shook his head, not wanting to hear her. "I'm sure that's only there for if we give them trouble," he told her. "If we just surrender now, I'm sure that they won't even use it on us."

At that moment a man wearing a stained t-shirt, deer-stalker cap, dread-locks, and what looked like a flame-thrower approached the other side of their hiding-place. With his weapon pointed to the floor he peered over the crate that the two intruders were hiding behind. "Can I help you mates with somethin'?" he asked with what they both recognised as a Liverpoodlian accent.

Before C.J. could reply in a civil manner, Katy Jo jumped up and kicked the stranger in the teeth. After that, she grabbed the cuff of her sibling's shirt and led him to another hiding-place.

"KATY?" he protested. "HAVE YOU LOST YOUR SENSES? He wasn't even pointing his weapon at us and you're waging war with him. OPEN YOUR EYES FOR-HELL'S-SAKE!"

Sprawled on the floor, Lister listened to the boy's complaint as he rubbed his sore mouth. He noticed the metallic taste of blood begin to develop as his mates came to his aid.

"Are you alright, Mister David, Sir?" Kryten asked him as he took his hand and helped him to a sitting position.

As he tried to respond one of his top front teeth fell into his mouth. He spat it out.

"I'm fine," he lied.

"Oooh, Listy, Listy, Listy!" That girl's a menace, she is. What I'd give to see her in a ring with you. That I'd pay money—"

"Smeg-off, Rimmer! She's frightened," Dave replied curtly. "The boy who's with her is trying to talk some sense into her. I heard them arguing. They'll come out on their own. We just need to give them some space."

C.J. peered at the quartet of strangers between objects on a shelf as he listened to them. "Do you hear them?" he asked his sister calmly. "They have no intent on hurting us. We could just walk up to them now, and they won't use their weapon on us. Now will you please knock this nonsense off?"

"_Go-to-Hell," _she told him bluntly.

"Katy, _we're in Hell_. We have no idea where we are. We can't hide forever. If we do that it will prolong this ridiculous hiding-out chase. I don't think you want that… Do you?"

"Go-to-hell, you goddamned fairy!" With that, she slugged him in the stomach, knocking him into the shelf that he had been peering through.

Kryten, Rimmer, Lister and the Cat heard a crash. Lister's first response was to stand up and investigate, but Rimmer planted his image in front of him.

"Just where do you think you're going?" he asked.

Lister shot him an evil look. "It couldn't hurt to see if they're alright."

"Whatever happened to letting them have their space?"

"I think Mister Lister intends to do so, Sir," Kryten interjected. "But I don't think we should allow for them to knock things about when there is a risk of them hitting into explosives."

"I agree with that," the Cat concurred while running his fingers along his zebra-print top-coat. "I wouldn't want them to ruin my good suit."

Not finding cause to argue, the hologram gained a look of resentment and then stepped aside.

At the centre of the ruckus, C.J. stood up and withheld the tears that were trying to break loose. Katy Jo's attack on him was a reminder that she was still intoxicated and thus harder to reason with. He could talk until blue in the face and still accomplish nothing. The only thing he could do was act.

While hunched over only slightly from the pain C.J. began to walk away. Katy Jo tried to stop him by grabbing at his arm, but he saw that coming and managed to pull away.

"Where are you going?!" she hissed.

"I'm going to turn myself in, with or without you. I'm sure I'll receive far better treatment from them than what you're giving me."

Katy shook her head disdainfully as she watched her brother place himself in the hands of the approaching strangers. "I HOPE THEY FRY YOUR ASS!" she yelled vengefully.

"I love you too!" he returned as if she had paid him a compliment. Then he raised both his hands in the sign of surrender.

The boyz from the Dwarf halted as they saw the lad approach them. "We come in peace," be announced. Then he quickly nervously added, "Sorry about my sister's behaviour," as he looked at the man whom she assailed.

Lister was about responding, but Rimmer interrupted.

"Who are you and why are you here?" the hologram asked in his most intimidating voice.

The boy jumped back a few feet, as those who didn't actually know Rimmer could actually find him intimidating.

The unwashed one shot his bunkmate a dirty look and then he looked at the lad. "You can put your hands down," he told him in a far less stern tone. "You're not in any trouble."

The boy lowered his hands and gained a look of relief. As soon as he did Dave offered him his hand.

"My name is Dave Lister," he told him.

Not sure of what to think the boy hesitated for a moment and then shook hands with the unwashed one. After that Lister withdrew his hand and introduced his cohorts.

"These are my shipmates; Arnold Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat," he said as he looked at each of them. "And you are?"

"C.J.," the boy responded. "C.J. Lamont. And my knot-head sister over there,"—he looked in the direction from which he came—"she's Katy Jo."

As though she were en queue Katy picked up something from the shelf and then threw it at her brother. "GODDAMN TRAITOR!" she yelled as it landed squarely on the top of his head. Then she ran off.

Instinctively C.J. rubbed at his head.

"Is your sister usually this agreeable?" asked the one called Rimmer.

"Yeah. Pretty much," he responded frankly while still massaging his head.

"Is there a way to calm her down, Mister C.J., Sir?" asked the one with the oddly-shaped head. "It is paramount that we get her to stop throwing things as soon as possible."

The urgency in the mechanoid's voice made C.J.'s skin crawl. "Why is it so important?" he asked while only half successful in hiding his worry.

Lister removed the unlit cigarette he had stored behind his ear and stuck it between his lips absently. "We're on a mining ship," he explained as he looked in the lad's direction. "Some of the equipment in this room is meant for getting through extremely-hard rock."

"You mean like explosives?" the boy said while regaining his more-even tone.

"Yeah," confirmed the Cat. "Witch means if she hits some of them, you can kiss your colour-coordinated ass goodbye."

C.J. shook his head dismally at the thought of Katy Jo pummelling a crate of nitro-glycerine or something of the like. "We'll have to corner her or knock her out," he said calmly. "She got herself pretty trashed before we ended up here. She's difficult to reason with when sober. When high she's outright impossible."

Lister nodded and then placed his cigarette back behind his ear to be smoked later. Them he motioned for his cohorts and the young man to form a huddle. When they did so he formed a game-plan.

"C.J. was it?" he asked while looking at the boy.

C.J. nodded.

"If you were to go back to her, do you think she'd run?"

"Yeah, for the soul purpose of ploughing into me," he said fervently.

"Great," Lister replied. "We'll use you as a means for distraction then. On the opposite end of this cargo-hold is a three-isle intersection. Try and get her to run down that way,"—He pointed in the desired direction and then continued.—"As soon as you've entered it we'll close-off all exits and then force her to relent."

The young man gave a nervous nod as he realised that he would have to take more abuse.

"Great," Lister replied. "Let's split-up then."


	9. Penalty Box

Penalty-Box

The boyz from the Dwarf took their places. As they did so C.J. returned to the last place he had seen his sister only to find her missing. He opened his ears and did a full 360° turn. In doing so he spotted her just in time to see her drop from atop a shelf. He jumped out of the way just barely soon enough to avoid being landed on.

Katy Jo charged after her brother without stopping to catch her balance and nearly fell on her bottom. Seeing this as an opportunity to carry-out the plan, C.J. bolted without thinking twice, heading straight for the area that Lister had pointed to. Katy Jo tried to grab one of his arms, but he had already gotten a head-start. With her throat full of dust she continued to give chase.

C.J. "B"-lined for the intersection while hearing his sister's footfalls close behind him. When he reached the fork, he stopped abruptly. Too angered to see anything peculiar about this, Katy Jo attacked him from behind and commenced pummelling.

The red-haired young man held his sister at arms-length away from him, lying on his back. "GET-OFF, PSYCHO-CHIC!" he growled. "_You're messing-up your hair_, FOR-CRYING-OUT-LOUD!"

Katy Jo didn't care as she was so busy trying to beat her brother into a pulp that she didn't notice the four gents who were closing in on her. She only barely noticed when Lister placed the barrel of his bazookoid against her shoulder-blade. That was when she stopped what she was doing and then glanced over her shoulder. Then she looked around the intersection at the other three strangers.

Lister cocked his weapon. "Step away from him and put your hands behind your head," he instructed.

When someone has what looks like a giant cigarette lighter pointed at your back you're going to do what he says. While wearing a shocked expression, Katy Jo slowly complied without argument.


	10. Classified Maybe Not

Classified... Maybe Not

In the med.-lab Kryten ran the medi-comp scanner over a very dejected Katy Jo while Lister hovered over her with the bazookoid pointed at her.

"Her blood-alcohol level is point-one-six," he announced. "I'm also finding traces of meth-amphetamines."

The android looked at the red-haired boy.

"That's a normal night-out for her," C.J. replied matter-of-factly.

"Go-to-hell!" Katy shot at him.

"After you, Dear Sis," he said as though she had just invited him to a party.

Lister shook his head and sniggered while keeping his weapon aimed at the girl.

"You get-on rather well for siblings" Rimmer said to no-one in particular.

C.J. caught wind of the hologram's observation and shook his head, remembering better times. "On good days she throws knives." he said in a slightly amused tone. Then he watched as Rimmer nodded, thinking that he understood.

C.J.—not forgetting that this was the bloke that had intimidated him earlier—gave the hologram a second look, only for a second, and then he looked away, so as to avoid blowing his straight cover._ When he ain't trying to scare people, he's kinda hot! _he thought to himself.

"All finished, Sirs," Kryten announced as he put the scanner away.

Lister looked at the one he had his weapon trained on. "If I stop pointing this at you, will you behave?" he asked while waving the bazookoid.

"Go-to-hell!" she snapped.

"You might want to play along," C.J. goaded.

"Screw-you!"

"Hey! I'm not into incest," he scolded. "Now knock-it-off 'cause if you don't; when you sober-up you'll be as embarrassed as I am if not more. In case you haven't noticed, I don't have a weapon in my face and_ I've been cooperating with them!"_

"Bitch!" his sis shot at him.

C.J. shook his head dismally as he calmly retorted, "Yeah. You're the right gender. All you gotta do is bark."

If looks could kill, Katy Jo's face would be an 'A'-bomb at that moment. She got up to lay into him.

"Kryten, a bit of help, if you please," Lister requested while keeping the bazookoid pointed at her.

The mechanoid wrapped his servo-operated hands around the girl's wrists like well-fitted bracelets and then pinned her to the examining table. She didn't experience any pain, but—struggle as she did—there was no breaking-free.

Miss Katy Jo, I do not wish to have to sedate you. Please try to calm down, Ma'am," Kryten protested.

"Piss-off, Plastic-Man!" she said before trying to kick his oddly-shaped head and coming-up short a few centimetres. "Get your girly-ass hands off me before I do something you'll regret!" she added while slurring her words.

"Kryten, I suggest you drug her," Rimmer voiced. "There's no telling how long she'll put up a fight like this."

"You're wrong, Brillo-Pad-Head," the Cat declared. "My money's on Plastic-Percy. He'll wear her down in the next ten minutes."

Rimmer shot him a dirty look and was about to respond when C.J. but-in.

"He's right," he said in the Cat's defence. "Katy Jo is slowing down."

The hologram shook his head in disbelief. The bratty teenager had been going on her rampage the entire time she was in custody without showing any sign of stopping. "How do you know?" he challenged.

The boy scoffed. "She's my sister," he stated as though it were the most obvious answer.

Rimmer shook his head once more. Having never once in his life (or death) been close to any of his relatives he could not fathom the idea that others could actually be more fortunate than he. C.J. did know his sister, however. She was slurring her speech more noticeably. That was a good sign that within the next few minutes her adrenaline-based energy would decline.

When Katy Jo finally calmed down Lister made eye contact with her. "Can we let you go then or will you cause us more trouble?" he asked her.

She so desperately wanted to kick him in the ribs, but this sudden energy crisis she was feeling made that an impossible achievement. The only thing she could manage was a rather weak sounding, "Go piss up a rope!"

The unwashed one then looked at Kryten. "Let 'er go," he calmly ordered.

"Kryten, belay that order," Rimmer interjected before the mechanoid had a chance to carry it out.

"Oh, get-off, you smeghead!" returned Dave. "Clearly she's not a threat anymore. To what purpose would it serve to keep her here like this, man?"

Before the hologram could give a snappy comeback C.J. added, "If you don't let her go _now _when she sobers up she'll be super-pissed and twice as nasty."

The hologram gave them both a sour look and then turned to the android. "Let her go," he resigned.

A relieved look enshrouded C.J.'s face as Kryten released his sister without incident. He knew that had she the energy she would have kicked the crap out of the android, but she was so worn from fighting him that she couldn't move. Instead she just stared at the ceiling indignantly.

Lister didn't believe that Katy Jo was still a threat, but he wasn't dumb enough to drop his weapon just yet. Certainly not after the hell she had raised. He kept his weapon aimed at her whilst he talked to her brother.

"So tell us again how you got here, then," he requested. "While fighting with your sister I didn't quite catch it."

The lad nodded his head and then he recanted his story from the time he left his home to tail his sister. "Did you by chance catch a glimpse of the machine that brought you here?" the mechanoid asked when the boy was finished. "Describe it if you would, please, Sir?"

C.J. pulled his rust-blonde locks out of his face and then shrugged. "It kinda looked like an old copy machine," he stated uncertainly. "At least _I think_ that's the best I can come up with."

The mechanoid turned to a console and started typing. "I'll cross-reference McClellan Proving-Grounds with Top-Secret and U.S. government research," he declared and then hit enter.

After a few moments, Holy's blonde image appeared on the monitor. "What's 'appenin', Mates?" she said cheerfully.

"Go-away, Hol!" Lister said with annoyance.

"I 'ave somethin' very important to tell you," she protested.

Lister rolled back his eyes.

"What is it, then?" the hologram asked, trying to look like he was in charge.

"'Ang on a mo'."

"Well?" Rimmer pressed after a minute had passed.

"I've forgotten."

"Oh... bloody... Bug-off then, you jumped-up file-a-fax," the hologram erupted.

With that the blonde nuisance disappeared from the screen. Then the McClellan proving-grounds info played across the screen. Kryten scrolled through it until he came across what might be the thing that C.J. had described.

"Is this the object in Question, Sir?" he asked the boy as he pointed to the screen.

The title of the report read:

Quantum Jump

Project # 653G-44DC-7ZD589

June 11, 1984

C.J. walked over to the android from his perch by the door and then looked at the schematics that were on the display. "Yeah," he confirmed in a bemused tone. "How did you...? I thought that this was classified."

"In your time, perhaps, but through time classified information tends to become common knowledge."

The lad nodded his understanding. Then he asked, "Does it say how to get home?"

The mechanoid quickly scanned through the document. "Do you wish to hear the good news or the bad news first, Sir?" he asked.

C.J. considered for a moment and then shook his head. "Just spill it," he said decisively. "Minus sugar-coating, please."

Kryten looked at him and said, "According to the head of the Quantum Jump project, the principle behind it is that it embeds a specific code of tachyon energy into cells upon ignition and keeps track of where and when you are. Using that tachyon code it returns you to your appropriate time after fourteen days in the time it sends you to."

The lad nodded. "And the downside is?" he pressed.

"It returns you to the proper timeframe, but there's no telling as to where you might turn up. One poor soul found himself in the Ukraine in returning to the year 1987. Trunople suffered quite some ill-effects from it, I'm afraid."

"What happened?" David asked out of morbid curiosity

"A bit of a nuclear mishap, Mister Lister, Sir," the mechanoid said casually. "Funding for the project's research was dropped shortly thereafter. I suppose there's no need in guessing as to why."

C.J. shook his head disdainfully at the prospect of re-appearing in Saddam Hussein's swimming pool or something of the like did not sound like his idea of fun. "Do you have a way to finely-tune it?" he asked in a scared tone.

The crew exchanged dumbfound expressions.

"He means 'Make certain we get home,' you dumb-ass freaks," Katy Jo said, taking everyone by surprise.

C.J. gave his sibling a dirty look, but didn't get after her for her rudeness. Instead, he just nodded and voiced, "Yeah, what she said," in agreement.

Under Construction: Please post reviews while I try to find a way to continue this poor excuse for a Red Dwarf fanfic.


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